contrast: light & dark, your face in a crowd. (craziebanana) wrote,
contrast: light & dark, your face in a crowd.

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on my current mental/emotional state

i am quickly slipping into a depression.

while this is certainly not helped by my stress over moving&packing, it is not caused by it. but it is rather hard to be jovial & jolly when wondering how one will pay rent, and for her phone, and for everything else. i just cannot seem to get ahead in this money-game; yet i refuse to give in.

i am nostalgic for days gone by, the simpler times of high school & early college days. i miss the camaraderie of my friends, i miss the carefree days, i miss feeling "stressed" about things that don't matter at all.

i am so tired of feeling this burden on myself. a burden i put there all on my own. my burden to attain perfection. my burden of complete independence. my burden to never show weakness, even though i sometimes feel as if that's all i ever do. my burden of putting others before myself. my burden of living beyond my means because i try to take care of the world. my burden of honestly believing everything is somehow my fault.

when i see myself, inside or out, i do not see what others do. i understand that i have a distorted self-image, based simply on the rift between how i feel about myself and the way that others do. without even trying, i see myself in a disparaging light - i am my own harshest critic & i will always hold myself to a higher standard than i do anyone else.

i have tried working on this, and am still trying. but it is a long, hard road. and it is such a vicious cycle to pull out of. when i feel myself going into a depression, it becomes nearly impossible to have any positivity about myself. conversely, when i get down on myself about my various issues, it's almost assured that i will fall into a depression.

right now i am stuck somewhere smack-dab in the middle of this. i have gained (quite a bit of) weight over the past 2 months & am broken out both from not eating right and from using heavier moisturizers in the winter... so i am very very very down on myself lately... to a point that it is almost interfering with my relationship. and at the same time, i am in a general funk. i seem to have mild change-paralysis on top of [moderate to] severe general disappointment.

this will be a hard rut to pull out of. thank god for jason though, and his patience & understanding. for the first time in a long time, someone understands that sometimes i just feel "bleh"... sometimes i'm just sad, or disappointed, or upset. there's not always some underlying reason - it's just how i feel. he also understands my oc tendencies... like how last night i sat, picking away at pieces of my flesh, not stopping when it began to hurt, and barely able to force myself to stop when it began to bleed.

i have no doubt that the toxic living situation i'm in is part of the problem as well. i live on pins & needles, constantly waiting for the next blow-up, the next drunken in-my-face rant. it breaks my heart a little to see my mother in such a similar situation to what i used to be. to see her at 54, with someone who i'm not convinced she really loves. but i digress at bit with these thoughts, & i'm sure i've said it all before.

i am simply feeling very down as of late. i know it will pass, and i'm sure moving will take a great deal of it off my shoulders that i can only somewhat recognize as even being there in the first place. i guess i am a little scared of this move. it is the farthest i'll have ever gone from my friends & family. and while i'm ready, excited & looking forward to it - there is a certain amount of trepidation & fear.

i certainly feel more for jason than i ever have for anyone in my life. but we both realize how fast this is moving. it's not that either one of us is thinking this isn't right, or real, or anything like that - but it does make you take a step back every once in a while, and give yourself that "whoa" moment. i actually think it's a good thing, because it means that we're not jumping into this blindly - but it still kind of hits you the wrong way anytime it happens.

deep down i think i doubt myself more than anything else, certainly more than i doubt jason or his honestly & sincerity. i am terrified that one day we might wake up, and he'll have realized that whatever he'd seen in me all that time was just some illusion. some passing infatuation that made me seem smarter, funnier, wittier, or more charming than i really am. deep down i hesitate to believe that all these people who i've met really like me. or even that they like what they know of me.

see? i can't even believe what i know to be true from others. it will pass, in time, i know. i know that these people are not lying, that more than anything, jason would never, ever lie to me. i just can't get over my own barriers i've established in my head so that i can believe them too.

itsy. bitsy. babysteps.
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