contrast: light & dark, your face in a crowd. (craziebanana) wrote,
contrast: light & dark, your face in a crowd.

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a few hours ago i was happy. i was terribly terribly sad, but also exceptionally happy. al had come in to the bedroom last night as i was half-asleep, and wrapped his arms around me. in a rare moment of vulnerability he was crying. he was crying, and i started crying; thinking of all the things we've been through together will do that... but especially thinking of cha-cha.

and as we talked and cried together, he told me that even if he could go back in time, and undo all this - undo me, so to speak - that he wouldn't. that for everything we've been through he would do it all over again. that no matter what happens he doesn't want me out of his life or his memories. and of course i start crying even more, becuase there have been so many times when i've heard the opposite... always in a fit of anger, but after so long i believed it.

his words meant more to me than any "i love you" from him ever could.

and yet today it's like last night never happened. today we're back to bickering about the house, and the mess, and not having nice clothes, and still not having gas for hot water or to cook (that's another story, maybe later)... and i hate myself a little becuase i know i haven't changed, and i still won't say anything, because i'm really not good at communicating with him. i just get frustrated and angry and upset and then i raise my voice and yell and nag and nearly cry... but all i can think is "you're here all day - why don't YOU take care of it?"

love is hard. love is a battle. ...but i'm not sure this is even love.
Tags: love fighting
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