contrast: light & dark, your face in a crowd. (craziebanana) wrote,
contrast: light & dark, your face in a crowd.
craziebanana

clearing my head

i'm not really sure what i want to say right now... but i feel compelled to write this all out after being home alone for the past 4 days. it's just, like i said, i've been home alone and bored, plus, i've always had an appreciation for your insights, or... something.

i think mainly i want to write this here because i think anyone who reads this will understand where i'm coming from without misunderstanding what i have to say. having spent the past few days alone had already set me on a reflective path, where i'm at and where i've come from: in the past year, but especially within the last 9 months, and within the past 2 1/2 months.

to think that less than a year ago, i was still with that douchebag mexican, it kind of throws me for a loop. the fact that i knew i shouldn't be dealing with what i was, and let it continue for so long, well, it makes me kind-of sad. it also kind-of makes me want to slap myself in the head. like, really? i *never* thought i'd be with him forever, even before he got violent... (for the record, i never really thought i'd be getting married, either, but that one i was always open about. with al, it was a for-sure thing in my head... one day one of us, or both of us, would want something else. guess i should have kept that in mind when he started hitting me, but, hindsight, you know? that whole relationship is my one big "young & dumb" excuse.)

then after we split up, jason popped back on the radar. someone i hadn't talked to in *years*, literally popped back into my life with an im one day at work. (now, this is where i need your understanding... because it is NOT that i regret anything of the past 8 1/2 months with jason. i am in love, something i wasn't ever really sure about before, and ready to commit my life to being with him, something i really never expected to happen in my life [notice also, that i say "to being with him" rather than "to him" as i would have previously. i now understand the importance of maintaining individuality in a relationship, especially long term])

jasøn coming back into my life was a big shock- very unexpected. (*there is a slightly humorous story about this which i will relate post-script) i had assumed that after leaving al, i would spend some time on my own, rediscover myself, and of course, have a little fun. ...after all, isn't that what being a 20-something is all about? (of course, once we started emailing and speaking regularly, things took a different turn, but not until after i had sat alone with my thoughts for several nights, sorting out whether or not this was something i was ready for. obviously, we know what decision i came to.)

but i digress, enough rambling.
my point is simply this- there is a part of me that wonders "what-if?" i know this is something that everyone ponders from time to time, but sometimes, especially in these days alone, it seems to consume me. perhaps that is because for me there is so much to wonder about... it is more than just the decision of whether or not jason and i are/would be together. in fact, it goes beyond my moving here to be with him... because if i weren't here right now, where would i be? as much as i have always loved chicago, and still do, there is a bitter taste in my mouth, not only from the awful relationship i was in, but from a number of things that had occurred since i first moved there.

in fact, before jason & i started speaking again, even before al & i split up, i had thought of leaving chicago to return back to peoria, if only for a few years. chicago held little for me by now, a handful of friends, mostly all transplants from peoria, who i rarely saw or interacted with anyway. i had never before given the thought of going back to peoria much thought, because, let's face it - who wants to stay in peoria? but it's where my circle of friends still was, what was left of them, and it always became a meeting point for everyone around holidays and summers and such celebrations.

instead, i moved even father away, to a place where i knew no one other than jason. i moved without the money i should have had (my one partial regret, though we decided that it was more important for me to be here for the anniversary of his father's death rather than to stay and save more money)

it's hard to believe that it's been 2 1/2 months that i've been here already. mostly because i haven't done anything. i mean, due to canadian law, i can't go out and look for a job for another few months (however, i could take one if it was offered. which is unlikely, given my poor, nearly non-existent knowledge of french. especially quebecois-french. it's like french with a deep-south accent- completely unintelligible to the rest of the world)... so i don't have a lot of options. and since "my computer" is also the television hard drive & monitor, i have limited access to the internet- only when we aren't watching something on the tv. besides that, jason & i have been in somewhat of a rut since i got here, from a problem that began over 5 months ago. it's kind of kept me to myself, because i don't want to just complain all the time, especially given how happy i am to be with him, and also because there's a lot of it i can't talk about given the nda. ...thank god it's almost over, though, and that things are starting to come around, to look up. "when it rains, it pours"- for both the bad and the good.

so now i find myself trying to mesh my two worlds together, and am not really sure how feasible it is given the distance between them. of course, there are those people who i will always be friends with, no matter what the distance... but beyond them, i had just started getting to know a new circle of friends in the peoria area- as well as catching up with those whom i hadn't spoken to since high school. and those relationships are the ones i worry about. what will happen to them over time? instead of being around more and becoming more comfortable within the group(s), i have single handedly just isolated myself from almost everyone.

i don't see it as an entirely bad thing though. even if i had gone back to peoria, it wouldn't have been permanently. there is just too much to do and see in life to be so rooted in one place. it helps to remember this, to keep in mind that i wouldn't have ended up "back home" forever. i knew when i left delavan that the small town life wasn't for me- hell, even after 50+ years my dad is moving away. it would have been a good way to save money, too, given the cost of living compared with chicago- and the money i wouldn't have to waste to come down and visit everyone.

sometimes, i just can't help thinking it could have been fun for a while.
Tags: jason, montreal, peoria, reflection
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