contrast: light & dark, your face in a crowd. (craziebanana) wrote,
contrast: light & dark, your face in a crowd.
craziebanana

one week

it has been one week since i moved in with my mom & her bf in oswego. it has been one week since al & i broke up. it has been one week of torturous train rides & complete head.fuckery. it has been one week of complete emotional instability, even though i am the one who left al. it has been one week of heart.break, both in watching mom & ed joke and flirt and be silly with each other as couples should, as well as in watching him talk down to her* & belittle her time & time again.
(*and me)

the worst part of it all is that he doesnt realize he's doing it, that or he doesnt see the problem with it. and maybe talking down isnt the right thing to call it. but for example, tonight we were watching the palin interview (because if it's got anything to do with politics we have to watch it) and he always wants to talk about our views/opinions, you know, what do we all think of what we're hearing. only... if you dont agree with him, you'll never get a word in edgewise, or you'll be cut off, reprimanded, or flat out told that you cant have an opinion if you dont read the newspaper or listen to the radio daily (this he told to my mom tonight, shortly after telling me that i can't be expected to compare "apples to apples" in the context of our conversation if i "can't even tell an apple from an orange")

i dont know, it's not my relationship and so i shouldnt worry about it. but it's my mom, and after all these years of being miserable she deserves something better. she says she's happy but sometimes i just can't believe it. this week janice asked me if i thought my mom really loved ed, or if she was just with him because he was there.... and i have to say i sometimes wonder.

this week i've wondered about my life, my future. the thinking hasnt really gotten me anywhere, perhaps it's more like i've thought about thinking about my life, or i've moped around wondering what i am predisposed to doing in life. i caught myself wondering "what if i can't change, and i always get into relationships where i'm treated like shit?" - instead of actually changing my mindset and beginning to change my life. ed says i need to stop being so german.lutheran and focus on myself for once - i said it was too ingrained in me to put others first. and that really just proved how stubborn i am (what a good german.lutheran).

tonight i broke down crying in the kitchen with the two of them, and because i'd had two glasses of wine he immediately tried to blame it on the wine. i had to tell him that i feel like he & my mom are pressuring me about going back to school, going into nursing, and doing something that will make money whether or not i actually like the job.work. i am ashamed that i cried in front of them, i am ashamed that the only way i can tell them the truth is by pushing it out and gasping for air between big crocodile tears. and on top of it all, i dont think he listened to a word i said. i dont think he ever will.

one week of pain. one week of loneliness. one week out of fifty-two.
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It's hard, I know but you will come out stronger from this. It really is in your best interests... I love you, Hana-face. Just remember that, k? =\