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Saturday, May 30, 2009

9:08PM - clearing my head

i'm not really sure what i want to say right now... but i feel compelled to write this all out after being home alone for the past 4 days. it's just, like i said, i've been home alone and bored, plus, i've always had an appreciation for your insights, or... something.

i think mainly i want to write this here because i think anyone who reads this will understand where i'm coming from without misunderstanding what i have to say. having spent the past few days alone had already set me on a reflective path, where i'm at and where i've come from: in the past year, but especially within the last 9 months, and within the past 2 1/2 months.

to think that less than a year ago, i was still with that douchebag mexican, it kind of throws me for a loop. the fact that i knew i shouldn't be dealing with what i was, and let it continue for so long, well, it makes me kind-of sad. it also kind-of makes me want to slap myself in the head. like, really? i *never* thought i'd be with him forever, even before he got violent... (for the record, i never really thought i'd be getting married, either, but that one i was always open about. with al, it was a for-sure thing in my head... one day one of us, or both of us, would want something else. guess i should have kept that in mind when he started hitting me, but, hindsight, you know? that whole relationship is my one big "young & dumb" excuse.)

then after we split up, jason popped back on the radar. someone i hadn't talked to in *years*, literally popped back into my life with an im one day at work. (now, this is where i need your understanding... because it is NOT that i regret anything of the past 8 1/2 months with jason. i am in love, something i wasn't ever really sure about before, and ready to commit my life to being with him, something i really never expected to happen in my life [notice also, that i say "to being with him" rather than "to him" as i would have previously. i now understand the importance of maintaining individuality in a relationship, especially long term])

jasøn coming back into my life was a big shock- very unexpected. (*there is a slightly humorous story about this which i will relate post-script) i had assumed that after leaving al, i would spend some time on my own, rediscover myself, and of course, have a little fun. ...after all, isn't that what being a 20-something is all about? (of course, once we started emailing and speaking regularly, things took a different turn, but not until after i had sat alone with my thoughts for several nights, sorting out whether or not this was something i was ready for. obviously, we know what decision i came to.)

but i digress, enough rambling.
my point is simply this- there is a part of me that wonders "what-if?" i know this is something that everyone ponders from time to time, but sometimes, especially in these days alone, it seems to consume me. perhaps that is because for me there is so much to wonder about... it is more than just the decision of whether or not jason and i are/would be together. in fact, it goes beyond my moving here to be with him... because if i weren't here right now, where would i be? as much as i have always loved chicago, and still do, there is a bitter taste in my mouth, not only from the awful relationship i was in, but from a number of things that had occurred since i first moved there.

in fact, before jason & i started speaking again, even before al & i split up, i had thought of leaving chicago to return back to peoria, if only for a few years. chicago held little for me by now, a handful of friends, mostly all transplants from peoria, who i rarely saw or interacted with anyway. i had never before given the thought of going back to peoria much thought, because, let's face it - who wants to stay in peoria? but it's where my circle of friends still was, what was left of them, and it always became a meeting point for everyone around holidays and summers and such celebrations.

instead, i moved even father away, to a place where i knew no one other than jason. i moved without the money i should have had (my one partial regret, though we decided that it was more important for me to be here for the anniversary of his father's death rather than to stay and save more money)

it's hard to believe that it's been 2 1/2 months that i've been here already. mostly because i haven't done anything. i mean, due to canadian law, i can't go out and look for a job for another few months (however, i could take one if it was offered. which is unlikely, given my poor, nearly non-existent knowledge of french. especially quebecois-french. it's like french with a deep-south accent- completely unintelligible to the rest of the world)... so i don't have a lot of options. and since "my computer" is also the television hard drive & monitor, i have limited access to the internet- only when we aren't watching something on the tv. besides that, jason & i have been in somewhat of a rut since i got here, from a problem that began over 5 months ago. it's kind of kept me to myself, because i don't want to just complain all the time, especially given how happy i am to be with him, and also because there's a lot of it i can't talk about given the nda. ...thank god it's almost over, though, and that things are starting to come around, to look up. "when it rains, it pours"- for both the bad and the good.

so now i find myself trying to mesh my two worlds together, and am not really sure how feasible it is given the distance between them. of course, there are those people who i will always be friends with, no matter what the distance... but beyond them, i had just started getting to know a new circle of friends in the peoria area- as well as catching up with those whom i hadn't spoken to since high school. and those relationships are the ones i worry about. what will happen to them over time? instead of being around more and becoming more comfortable within the group(s), i have single handedly just isolated myself from almost everyone.

i don't see it as an entirely bad thing though. even if i had gone back to peoria, it wouldn't have been permanently. there is just too much to do and see in life to be so rooted in one place. it helps to remember this, to keep in mind that i wouldn't have ended up "back home" forever. i knew when i left delavan that the small town life wasn't for me- hell, even after 50+ years my dad is moving away. it would have been a good way to save money, too, given the cost of living compared with chicago- and the money i wouldn't have to waste to come down and visit everyone.

sometimes, i just can't help thinking it could have been fun for a while.

Current mood: nostalgic
1 kiss| affection?

Friday, February 27, 2009

11:16AM - on my current mental/emotional state

i am quickly slipping into a depression.

while this is certainly not helped by my stress over moving&packing, it is not caused by it. but it is rather hard to be jovial & jolly when wondering how one will pay rent, and for her phone, and for everything else. i just cannot seem to get ahead in this money-game; yet i refuse to give in.

i am nostalgic for days gone by, the simpler times of high school & early college days. i miss the camaraderie of my friends, i miss the carefree days, i miss feeling "stressed" about things that don't matter at all.

i am so tired of feeling this burden on myself. a burden i put there all on my own. my burden to attain perfection. my burden of complete independence. my burden to never show weakness, even though i sometimes feel as if that's all i ever do. my burden of putting others before myself. my burden of living beyond my means because i try to take care of the world. my burden of honestly believing everything is somehow my fault.

when i see myself, inside or out, i do not see what others do. i understand that i have a distorted self-image, based simply on the rift between how i feel about myself and the way that others do. without even trying, i see myself in a disparaging light - i am my own harshest critic & i will always hold myself to a higher standard than i do anyone else.

i have tried working on this, and am still trying. but it is a long, hard road. and it is such a vicious cycle to pull out of. when i feel myself going into a depression, it becomes nearly impossible to have any positivity about myself. conversely, when i get down on myself about my various issues, it's almost assured that i will fall into a depression.

right now i am stuck somewhere smack-dab in the middle of this. i have gained (quite a bit of) weight over the past 2 months & am broken out both from not eating right and from using heavier moisturizers in the winter... so i am very very very down on myself lately... to a point that it is almost interfering with my relationship. and at the same time, i am in a general funk. i seem to have mild change-paralysis on top of [moderate to] severe general disappointment.

this will be a hard rut to pull out of. thank god for jason though, and his patience & understanding. for the first time in a long time, someone understands that sometimes i just feel "bleh"... sometimes i'm just sad, or disappointed, or upset. there's not always some underlying reason - it's just how i feel. he also understands my oc tendencies... like how last night i sat, picking away at pieces of my flesh, not stopping when it began to hurt, and barely able to force myself to stop when it began to bleed.

i have no doubt that the toxic living situation i'm in is part of the problem as well. i live on pins & needles, constantly waiting for the next blow-up, the next drunken in-my-face rant. it breaks my heart a little to see my mother in such a similar situation to what i used to be. to see her at 54, with someone who i'm not convinced she really loves. but i digress at bit with these thoughts, & i'm sure i've said it all before.

i am simply feeling very down as of late. i know it will pass, and i'm sure moving will take a great deal of it off my shoulders that i can only somewhat recognize as even being there in the first place. i guess i am a little scared of this move. it is the farthest i'll have ever gone from my friends & family. and while i'm ready, excited & looking forward to it - there is a certain amount of trepidation & fear.

i certainly feel more for jason than i ever have for anyone in my life. but we both realize how fast this is moving. it's not that either one of us is thinking this isn't right, or real, or anything like that - but it does make you take a step back every once in a while, and give yourself that "whoa" moment. i actually think it's a good thing, because it means that we're not jumping into this blindly - but it still kind of hits you the wrong way anytime it happens.

deep down i think i doubt myself more than anything else, certainly more than i doubt jason or his honestly & sincerity. i am terrified that one day we might wake up, and he'll have realized that whatever he'd seen in me all that time was just some illusion. some passing infatuation that made me seem smarter, funnier, wittier, or more charming than i really am. deep down i hesitate to believe that all these people who i've met really like me. or even that they like what they know of me.

see? i can't even believe what i know to be true from others. it will pass, in time, i know. i know that these people are not lying, that more than anything, jason would never, ever lie to me. i just can't get over my own barriers i've established in my head so that i can believe them too.

itsy. bitsy. babysteps.

1 kiss| affection?

10:01AM - on packing/the move

i have been rather up & down lately, as usual.

packing/moving is one of my most dreaded things, so in general, the next 2 weeks will not be good for me. though, i am finding it a little easier this time, given the completeness this boy brings to my life. (and due to the fact that i am already mostly packed. however, i left the little, most stressful things until last, of course. oh joy.)

for the rest of packing, as well as everything else in life, i've found there is always xanax. i am trying to be less worried, or at least, less "doom"-ish about worries. in the end, things will work out, and i know this. i just need to step back from things occasionally to see it.

the general consensus of those around me is a mix of happiness & bummed out-ness. i feel much the same. i am very, very, verrry excited to be going but very sad to be leaving the people & life i know in central illinois. (and central illinois moreso than chicago, i love this city, but it's never been my home, for a multitude of reasons. or at least, a few.)

my mother cries more & more, little bursts of tears & blubbering how she'll miss me, and wondering what she'll do without me. it's actually breaking my heart, i know she's enjoyed me living there the past 6 months, i know i am her reprieve from ed's constant bitter nagging & self-arrogance. my great-aunt, at age 87, is ready to make the trek to visit me (once i'm settled, of course). while she & i waited as my mother got her braces off this week, she said to me, "hannah, you know, after erford died i let my passport expire because i just didn't think i'd need it anymore - i guess i'll have to renew it now!"

affection?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

8:29PM

there have been a lot of changes in the past 4 weeks since i have written here. i can't even get into them all now, because they are great, happy, momentous things... and i, right now, am feeling none of those.

i am sitting alone in my "room" in silence, no music, no tv... it lets my thoughts fester, which is probably not good at this point, but to a certain extent it is. my relationship with my mother is going to be changing again. i thought we could handle each other, we've been doing so well (mostly. okay, not really. ...just on the surface. mostly i play along just to make things bearable...). but tonight she's pushed things yet again. calling me childish, after she's the one talking down to me, telling me i'm acting like a 3 year old, telling me i'm lying to her when for once in my life i'm not. you know what? i don't need this in my life. when she wants to grow up, and stop holding past mistakes over my head, i'll be willing to listen... maybe.

i've accepted responsibility for my past - the mistakes i've made, the lies i've told. and i'm not lying anymore. and the mistakes i make now are mine, and i don't expect anyone to help me fix them.

well, i was trying not to lie. i was really hoping to be done with all that. it doesn't make me feel good, not at all. but when she can't accept reality for what it is, i have to. why am i hiding things from her at 23?? ...because she can't accept that i've grown up, that i'm not her baby anymore, that i have to live life on my own, and YES... that means fucking shit up on my own & learning from it. i can't grow if i'm not given the opportunity. and right now, my relationship with my mother is keeping me from living my life.

i'm tired of the guilt trips. i'm tired of being coerced. i'm tired of having to apologize for wanting an inch of privacy. i'm tired of being made to feel like a complete burden.

but until april, i am here. until april i don't know what to do. i am lost, i am losing it, i am drowning in misery & self.pity.
it's not the life i want. when i'm not here, when i'm away from all of this, i can't quit smiling. the changes of the past 4 weeks have brought a new light to my life, one i never really expected to experience.

i just... god, i can't even continue to talk about this now. i am so frustrated, and hurt. i keep holding back the tears, hoping he will call and take all of this away. he always does. when i talk with him, when i'm with him... everything is changed, everything is turned around. i can deal with life, but only if he's by my side. goddd why am i so fucking needy???

Current mood: terriblehorriblenogoodverybad
affection?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

8:54AM

well... things are getting interesting now.

FIRST - i'm getting harassed by some 21 yo mexican ghetto boy who found me on myspace. nice guy, but damnit. texting me at 1am... sending me online messages at 3am... and being more of a whiny bitch than i am! i sent him a couple semi-scathing messages this morning telling him he needs to chill the fuck out. not a big deal, it's not creepy harassment, but it's just getting annoying.

SECOND - got some more film developed last night... a roll i took over a year ago (two even?? i can't remember), but the film was old.expired even when i shot it... one turned out really well, but the other 3 didnt (& some of those were even new film, bought new & just taken like 3 months ago!). but... the one roll was really interesting, there's only 5 shots, and 2 of them are like... quadrupile.infinity exposed. there's so many images overlain that it just looks like a mess. but a really cool, awesome mess! :)

THIRD - THIS IS THE BIG ONE - mom & i were talking last night... it started as a slightly heated discussion, she was questioning all my trips back to peoria in the past few months, and how before i rarely went at all... (umm hello, all i have to say is "al"). anyway, it also got to be about me going back to school, and blah blah blah - point being, she suggested that i look into moving back to peoria & going to bradley. ...!!! what?!

so i have a lot of thinking to do and looking into things to do and some biiiig decisions to make. but maybe...? i can always still come visit the city, i know. i just never really thought of it as an option. i live in chicago now. moving home always seemed like giving up to me. but with all the changes i'm making in my life, maybe it's time to change the way i think about that, too.

4 kisses| affection?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

10:21PM

alright...so i've been meaning to start keeping my lj updated more, but i've also recommitted myself to a real, live, paper journal - for now it has to be one step at a time. i'm still not completely consistent, either, so i dont want to stretch myself to thin and just quit everything in a few weeks like i always tend to do.

so in the meantime, heres a meme i stole from rachel:
www.colorquiz.com


Your Existing Situation
Sensuous. Inclined to luxuriate in the things which give gratification to the senses, but rejects anything tasteless, vulgar, or coarse.

Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have lead to uncertainty and a tense watchfulness. Insists on freedom of action and resents any form of control other than which is self-imposed. Unwilling to go without or to relinquish anything and demands security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position or prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to exaggerate her claims and to refuse reasonable compromises.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.
Distressed by the obstacles with which she is faced and is no mood for any form of activity or for further demands on her. Needs peace and quiet, and the avoidance of anything which might distress her further.

Your Desired Objective
Needs a peaceful environment. Wants release from stress, and freedom from conflicts or disagreement. Takes pains to control the situation and its problems by proceeding cautiously. Has sensitivity of feeling and a fine eye for detail.

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation.

Your Actual Problem #2
Does not wish to be involved in differences of opinion, contention or argument, preferring to be left in peace.

from www.colorquiz.com

Current mood: tiiired
3 kisses| affection?

Monday, September 15, 2008

1:22PM

well. an interesting weekend, the first completely without al. while i'm really looking forward to new things, but the time at home is just a painful reminder of being alone.

.physically there's no one there, no one next to me as i sleep at night, no one to press against and lean into when i wake up panic stricken from some dream.
.mentally i have to overcome seeing my mom & ed together. (this is a two-fold, both seeing them when they're happy and how cutesy.goofy they can be from time to time, but it is also a fear that i will always choose the wrong guy and no matter how many good things there are there will always be huge chasms of wrongness).
.emotionally (& verbally) i must seperate myself - there is no more "us," no more "our." his cats are no longer mine. his apartment is not mine. i can no longer refer to myself when i refer to the band. it is not "ours" it is "his."

my mind is in such a head.fuck right now, which isn't helped by the fact that i don't like to process my feelings and emotions. rather i will sit and watch tv or read a book, or be online until it's so late and i'm so exhausted that i pass out nearly as soon as i hit the pillow.

i have been talking to an old, dear friend lately who i am going to see this weekend. i am really excited. but he has been on vacation this past week, and so called me in a drunken stupor at almost 2 am... i heard the phone start to ring as i was half asleep, and what must have been a super-quick, split second dream sequence played out because the phone was still ringing at the end of it. anyway, the "dream" was that the call wasnt my friend, but al. who was up in arms and pissed, he had found out that i was talking to guy friends, and was ready to come out and kill me or be waiting for me at work the next day.

i took the call and talked to my friend but it was loud and i was so disturbed by the "dream" that i never really slept well after that.

it's been a long day, and i've been super busy, and my body aches all over. (it just reminds me of the "where does depression hurt you?" commercials.) i can't wait to get on the train and sleeeeeeep.

affection?

Saturday, September 13, 2008

12:31AM - one week

it has been one week since i moved in with my mom & her bf in oswego. it has been one week since al & i broke up. it has been one week of torturous train rides & complete head.fuckery. it has been one week of complete emotional instability, even though i am the one who left al. it has been one week of heart.break, both in watching mom & ed joke and flirt and be silly with each other as couples should, as well as in watching him talk down to her* & belittle her time & time again.
(*and me)

the worst part of it all is that he doesnt realize he's doing it, that or he doesnt see the problem with it. and maybe talking down isnt the right thing to call it. but for example, tonight we were watching the palin interview (because if it's got anything to do with politics we have to watch it) and he always wants to talk about our views/opinions, you know, what do we all think of what we're hearing. only... if you dont agree with him, you'll never get a word in edgewise, or you'll be cut off, reprimanded, or flat out told that you cant have an opinion if you dont read the newspaper or listen to the radio daily (this he told to my mom tonight, shortly after telling me that i can't be expected to compare "apples to apples" in the context of our conversation if i "can't even tell an apple from an orange")

i dont know, it's not my relationship and so i shouldnt worry about it. but it's my mom, and after all these years of being miserable she deserves something better. she says she's happy but sometimes i just can't believe it. this week janice asked me if i thought my mom really loved ed, or if she was just with him because he was there.... and i have to say i sometimes wonder.

this week i've wondered about my life, my future. the thinking hasnt really gotten me anywhere, perhaps it's more like i've thought about thinking about my life, or i've moped around wondering what i am predisposed to doing in life. i caught myself wondering "what if i can't change, and i always get into relationships where i'm treated like shit?" - instead of actually changing my mindset and beginning to change my life. ed says i need to stop being so german.lutheran and focus on myself for once - i said it was too ingrained in me to put others first. and that really just proved how stubborn i am (what a good german.lutheran).

tonight i broke down crying in the kitchen with the two of them, and because i'd had two glasses of wine he immediately tried to blame it on the wine. i had to tell him that i feel like he & my mom are pressuring me about going back to school, going into nursing, and doing something that will make money whether or not i actually like the job.work. i am ashamed that i cried in front of them, i am ashamed that the only way i can tell them the truth is by pushing it out and gasping for air between big crocodile tears. and on top of it all, i dont think he listened to a word i said. i dont think he ever will.

one week of pain. one week of loneliness. one week out of fifty-two.

1 kiss| affection?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

3:24PM

i am going to be moving this weekend. moving in with my mom & her bf. in the suburbs. totally not what i was expecting or wanting, but i think it will work out for the best. instead of paying rent, i'm paying "rent" - my mom's gonna put the money away so it's there when i need it.

i mean, it's a really sweet deal, and i recognize & appreciate that.

so now i have to pack pack pack cause she & ed might drive in on thursday to pick up some things. i also need to purge a lot of junk. we'll see if that happens, it usually ends up being more of an undertaking than i plan on... things may just get thrown into "to be sorted" boxes.

anyway, i have successfully bullshitted my way to the end of my day. i'm outtt!

lots to do, i'll try to update more later.

1 kiss| affection?

Monday, August 18, 2008

5:33PM

so a quick update, though i dont really have time to get into all that's happened in the past week/two. (that and i dont like updating because i dont like where my computer has been in the past year in this apartment... but that will be changed soon!)

anyway - al & i broke up just over a week ago, on august 8. it happened after a night of arguing & being terrified of being with him yet again, although that is not why i did this. after thinking, and planning, and thinking more, and replanning - the opportunity presented itself to leave this relationship, and so i took it. however we are still living together (and sleeping in the same bed) until the end of the month, when i leave this apartment and al & i go our separate ways. we are dealing with it for now, kind of, and mostly just pretending like we're still together facing the reality that this is all over. i'm not sure what will happen down the road, but for now it seems like we might be able to remain friends, or at least be civil toward each other and have civil interactions.

no matter what though this is something that has needed to happen for a long time. there is still a part of me that wishes it wasn't so, but i have made my decisions and will push forward.

i am ready for what is ahead, whatever that may be. i'm ready to begin with all i've learned, and i'm ready to move on from all the bullshit. i am ready to love myself, and love others; i hope that i will be loved in return. i am ready to believe in myself, to believe that i am smart, and to believe that my friends love me for a reason - to believe that i have something to contribute!

affection?

Thursday, August 7, 2008

12:03AM

well it's been a while, and a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks... well, a lot has happened in my head.

things i need to explain:
01. what decisions and timelines have been generated regarding al & i.
02. status of mikey+i
03. thoughts on japan
04. blasts from the past
a- family & growing up
b- thoughts on family today
c- friends
1. should i be sad about not keeping in touch with some?
2. people who amaze me now
05. goals, life


i will update later, i can't relax enough right now to get into it... i wish i could though, cuz i feel like i could be up for hours... i feel more energized than i have in quite a while, though not overly. just more awake, less tired.

i also feel very content. rather happy, very sad.. but most of the time the happy wins out. now it's just about playing the waiting game... though it's already been so long it's hard to contain. i feel like not much is going to change, but at the same time everything is. i can't wait to be treated like a decent human being. to not worry about being home alone with someone, to go out and DO things from time to time, to feel okay about myself. that's really the big one - becoming more comfortable with myself. oh and the physical wont be bad either... we bring something out in each other - mmm! /// but at the same time there's a horrific sadness that i'm still in my current situation. i've made my decisions and know what has to happen, and when... right now is just not the right time. so soon, but it's getting worse everyday. harder to stay and deal with it, harder for my mind not to wander... though even for that my mind only wanders one place. *****

*****This paragraph will make a lot more sense once i explain all that's been going on.

affection?

Friday, July 18, 2008

6:38PM

FUCK THIS SHIT.

affection?

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

8:36PM

so it's been awhile... and i don't know what to say, not really. things are fine but not. i am happy but not. i am a ball of anxiety but content. i feel utterly washed over in euphoric happiness and monumental sadness all at once. from time to time i feel as if i am being sucked out of myself, and at the same time pulled back in.

so for now, a few things:
...i got a job a couple of weeks ago. i am an hr assistant at pfgbest.com, they are on online (stock) trading company. the hours are good, the pay is good, the insurance is good but expensive (but good is the key here), the people are awesome (for work people), and i'm already bonding with my boss, as she and i will be each other's confidants during my time there, since we know everything there is to know about the other employees.
...i really like this job. i don't care that i can't talk about it, i get some (sick?) delight out of knowing everyone's juicy details. salary, work history, birthdays, marital status, health issues, tax levys/leans, child support, job issues (i already had someone calling about a complaint - the employee told one of the clients to "fuck off" on the phone, and the client took it over our company to some national association!)
...i gotta go!! so i guess, things are good.

affection?

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

11:02AM

i know it's been a while, dear fans of livejournal - but i have some exciting news:::

I HAVE A JOB!!! J-O-R-B, JORB! :D

Well, that's assuming that the next 3 days go well, they're having me temp for 3 days, but then if all goes well I have a job next week!


Okay... lots more has been going on but for now I must go.
Mother is taking me to lunch! I must shower and be pretty!

affection?

Saturday, May 31, 2008

4:16PM - sad/happy/frustrated

a few hours ago i was happy. i was terribly terribly sad, but also exceptionally happy. al had come in to the bedroom last night as i was half-asleep, and wrapped his arms around me. in a rare moment of vulnerability he was crying. he was crying, and i started crying; thinking of all the things we've been through together will do that... but especially thinking of cha-cha.

and as we talked and cried together, he told me that even if he could go back in time, and undo all this - undo me, so to speak - that he wouldn't. that for everything we've been through he would do it all over again. that no matter what happens he doesn't want me out of his life or his memories. and of course i start crying even more, becuase there have been so many times when i've heard the opposite... always in a fit of anger, but after so long i believed it.

his words meant more to me than any "i love you" from him ever could.

and yet today it's like last night never happened. today we're back to bickering about the house, and the mess, and not having nice clothes, and still not having gas for hot water or to cook (that's another story, maybe later)... and i hate myself a little becuase i know i haven't changed, and i still won't say anything, because i'm really not good at communicating with him. i just get frustrated and angry and upset and then i raise my voice and yell and nag and nearly cry... but all i can think is "you're here all day - why don't YOU take care of it?"




love is hard. love is a battle. ...but i'm not sure this is even love.

Current mood: wishing i were happy
affection?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

6:35PM

from the internet:
"As a rule, sexy clothing is not appropriate for the workplace."

HAHAHA, why not??? stupid conservatives.

affection?

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

10:49AM - stupid bitchface

i've been putting off making this journal friends only because when i do i also want to go through and review the last 2 years worth of entries - and we all know that i'm kind of lazy.

BUT.. it's happening soon.

and all because of some stupid fucking bitch who thinks she's better than the rest of the world.
THANKS.

affection?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

6:44PM

i feel i need to preface this entry with the following: right now i am so stoned my brain is nearly incoherent. i keep thinking of things to say while hearing the conversation of my bf & his bassist while also hearing the television. my brain is pretty spastic right now, my thought unfocused as if it is scurrying here and there, like a child running around in a big yard.

01. i have decided that when money is not an issue, i will build an association to help the homeless - housing, clothes, some sort of work program. working for the temp agency i'm already on my second assignment off michigan avenue, and i walk 1-2 miles back to a train station most nights after work (cause after 8 hours of sitting i need it!) - seeing all these homeless people, and knowing that even if i do have a couple of dollars in my wallet i probably need it - it breaks my heart.

02. i was too stoned and i lost my train of thought. al needs the computer.

1 kiss| affection?

Monday, May 19, 2008

11:03AM

so it's been awhile... all is well here, or at least as well as is expected.

didn't work at all last week, but got a call this morning to come in to a week-long job as a receptionist. northwestern university school of law - bluhm legal clinic. it's alright, slow and quiet so far.. but i feel like this would be a really really bad place to mess things up... i mean, laws and court cases and all... :/ NERVE WRACKING (especially cause their phone line/transferring system confuses the crap outta me!

anyway, applied to several real jobs this weekend, hopefully i'll hear back from one of them soon. i need a real job, with real money and real insurance. real insurance... that's really what it's all about.

affection?

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

9:32AM - FREE 1 MONTH TRIAL OF NETFLIX

Always wanted to try Netflix but still haven't gotten around to it?? Well then I have an offer for you! I have referrals to share that extend the normal 14-day trial to a FULL MONTH, 30-day, trial of Netflix!

Drop me a line if you're interested and I will send you the link in an email.

Hurry!! Hurry!! This offer is for a limited time only!

affection?

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